you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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