Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
