my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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