so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
