she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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