I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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