tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize