Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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