when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
