I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
