Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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