Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
