I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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