# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
