Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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