my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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