my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
