That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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