dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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