can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
