Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize