i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
