I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
