i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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