Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
