on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize