my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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