So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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