She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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