i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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