The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
