She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I party with great urgency now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
