just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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