we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
