this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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