I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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