it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
