I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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