i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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