People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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