I'm going to jail i love you
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
