He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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