I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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