She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize