I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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