goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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