guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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