when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
