What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
