Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
