guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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