please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
