So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
