well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
