the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
