Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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