If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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