i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
cat food counts as protein by the way
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
