Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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