she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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