I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
