I hate your face
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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